Getting Through a Pandemic with Faiz

 I never thought I would find Faiz's Subh-e-Azadi relatable in my life, but I find myself thinking of its verses as we reach month eight of the pandemic (at least in America).

It's nearly month eight, and there's no end in sight. In fact, it's arguably worse than ever. Eight months, and not even the smartest or most powerful of us have managed to control a controllable virus. I myself am horrified at how I've come to live with it in some kind of placid acceptance--yes, I will wear a mask when I go out. No, it's not wise to eat in a restaurant, get on a plane, hug a friend, meet strangers, go to the office, go to the gym, go to the movies--at least not without some risk associated with it. I feel like my body, not my mind, has silently accepted that necessary precautions are no longer a temporary part of life--but here for at least a year coming. As I start to slowly resume certain parts of my normal life (coffee on Saturday, gatherings with friends), it's really not the kind of return to life that I wanted it to be.

یہ داغ داغ اجالا یہ شب گزیدہ سحر 

وہ انتظار تھا جس کا یہ وہ سحر تو نہیں 

یہ وہ سحر تو نہیں جس کی آرزو لے کر 

چلے تھے یار کہ مل جائے گی کہیں نہ کہیں 

فلک کے دشت میں تاروں کی آخری منزل 

کہیں تو ہوگا شب سست موج کا ساحل 

کہیں تو جا کے رکے گا سفینۂ غم دل 

...

ابھی چراغ سر رہ کو کچھ خبر ہی نہیں 

ابھی گرانیٔ شب میں کمی نہیں آئی 

نجات دیدہ و دل کی گھڑی نہیں آئی 

چلے چلو کہ وہ منزل ابھی نہیں آئی 

This murky dappled glow and smoky dawn

‘Tis not the same daybreak, we did wait

‘Tis not the desired crack, we travelled anon

To seek last goal of stars in sky’s deserted lawn

Somewhere the night of slow rippled pace

Would find the harbor soon or late

The liner of cloyed heart in search of solace

Somewhere would stay a suitable existing place 

...

Tis not the occasion to spare baffled heart and
Fretful eyes from anxiety’s blazing grate
Go on with eager spirits by holding hand in hand
‘Tis not the goal but very near is the specific land

Six Months into the Pandemic, A List of Things I Miss

• Watching movies in a theater
• Being confused in a foreign country
• Learning phrases that I'll inevitably forget for international trips
• Getting on a plane without an immense sense of dread
• Traveling to a place near the sea
• Visiting my friends in other cities
• New experiences, new people
• Weddings where you can dance and hug your friends
• Going to restaurants
• Attending the symphony
• Planning for trips
• Planning for anything
• Having my grandmother visit

More Faiz

اب کیوں اس دن کا ذکر کرو 

جب دل ٹکڑے ہو جائے گا 

اور سارے غم مٹ جائیں گے 

جو کچھ پایا کھو جائے گا 

جو مل نہ سکا وہ پائیں گے 

یہ دن تو وہی پہلا دن ہے 

جو پہلا دن تھا چاہت کا 

ہم جس کی تمنا کرتے رہے 

اور جس سے ہر دم ڈرتے رہے 

یہ دن تو کئی بار آیا 

سو بار بسے اور اجڑ گئے 

سو بار لٹے اور بھر پایا 

اب کیوں اس دن کا ذکر کرو 

جب دل ٹکڑے ہو جائے گا 

اور سارے غم مٹ جائیں گے 

تم خوف و خطر سے درگزرو 

جو ہونا ہے سو ہونا ہے 

گر ہنسنا ہے تو ہنسنا ہے 

گر رونا ہے تو رونا ہے 

تم اپنی کرنی کر گزرو 

جو ہوگا دیکھا جائے گا 

Why, now, do you worry of the day

When your heart will be broken

And all kinds of sorrows will be released

And whatever was gained would be lost

And what we never could get we will get

This day is that very first day--

the first day of love

the day we longed for

and the day we used to dread

has come many times

Hundreds of times we've compromised or done wrong

Hundreds of times we've lost or stole

Why, now, do you worry about the day

When the heart will be shattered

And all sorrows will be released

Forget the fear and anxiety

Whatever will be, will be

If we have to laugh, we'll laugh

If we have to cry, we'll cry

So do what you have to do

We'll see what happens

"At This Moment, It Seems..." A Very Poor Translation

I was going through my old posts and found a transliteration of this nizam, that my dad had recited to me during the last semi-difficult period of my life, five years ago. It's by Faiz, and I've had some difficulty finding the provenance or English translation of it online. So, rather than show some humility and ask my father for help, I have made an attempt at translation below:

اس وقت تو یوں لگتا ہے اب کچھ بھی نہیں ہے
مہتاب نہ سورج، نہ اندھیرا نہ سویرا
آنکھوں کے دریچوں پہ کسی حسن کی چلمن
اور دل کی پناہوں میں کسی درد کا ڈیرا
ممکن ہے کوئی وہم تھا، ممکن ہے سنا ہو
گلیوں میں کسی چاپ کا اک آخری پھیرا
شاخوں میں خیالوں کے گھنے پیڑ کی شاید
اب آ کے کرے گا نہ کوئی خواب بسیرا
اک بَیر، نہ اک مہر، نہ اک ربط نہ رشتہ
تیرا کوئی اپنا، نہ پرایا کوئی میرا
مانا کہ یہ سنسان گھڑی سخت کڑی ہے
لیکن مرے دل یہ تو فقط اک ہی گھڑی ہے
ہمت کرو جینے کو تو اک عمر پڑی ہے 

It seems, at this moment, that there is nothing
No moon nor sun, no darkness nor morning
A curtain of beauty on the windows of the eyes
A repose of pain in the havens of the heart
Perhaps there was an illusion, perhaps it was heard
In the streets the sound of footsteps doing one last turn
Branches of ideas in a dense tree, perhaps
No one will arrive now to make any dream come true
No hostility nor affection, no connection nor relationship
No one is yours, no one is mine

Admittedly, this desolate time is difficult
But, dead heart, this is only one hour
Dare to live, there is an age coming

---

All I have been able to find online (on English-source websites) is that this poem was written on his deathbed. I'm not sure what this says about the helpfulness of this poem, then. Of course, it depends on what your idea of death, morality, and what comes afterwards is... but I think many wouldn't see death as a desired end to their problems.

Some words/phrases I am not sure about:
حسن کی چلمن - "curtain of beauty"... I can't really understand its relevance. Does this mean a curtain on the eyes is blocking beautiful things? No idea...
 کوئی وہم تھا - "illusion" but is that what this really translates to here?
گلیوں میں کسی چاپ کا اک آخری پھیرا - "the sound of footsteps during one last turn in the streets"; Literally, this is "in the streets someone's footsteps' last circumambulation"
شاخوں میں خیالوں کے گھنے پیڑ کی شاید  - "branches of ideas in a dense tree, perhaps" I don't really understand the relevance of this line
مانا کہ is more like "granted" rather than "admittedly." I considered "bear in mind" as an alternate translation
 سنسان گھڑی is more like "lonely period of time" than "desolate time"
عمر is "age" but with a much more positive connotation in this context in Urdu, I think

Day 66, On Boredom

Since this blog has basically divulged into a discussion of my hobbies, here's the latest:

I recently started watching a show (Killing Eve)--actually I've begun many TV shows, but I digress. This show has basically taken over my thoughts for the past few weeks. The best TV shows (or books, or movies) have characters that resonate with us, and there's one scene in particular that I can't forget.

In one scene, one of the characters is asked to speak about her life with sincerity. She responds that most days, she wakes up and feels nothing, and that it--her life--is so boring. Moreover, she doesn't understand how everyone else isn't bored, too. She tries to find ways to feel something, to make her life less boring--by buying things she wants, or doing things she wants. But she doesn't end up wanting the things she buys, or end up happy with the things she does. Then the monologue kind of trails off.

Quarantine Reads: A Running List

Little Fires Everywhere
Hierarchy and Egalitarianism in Islamic Thought
Lincoln in the Bardo
La Peste
Anna Karenina - re-read
Great Cities Through Travelers' Eyes
Oblomov
Coriolanus 
How Not to Die Alone - re-read (timely)
Crime and Punishment - left unfinished, too isolating of a read
All the Light We Cannot See 
Pygmalion - in progress
Fathers and Children
War and Peace - re-read in progress
The Brothers Karamazov 
Little Words
Baking at Republique
Pachinko - in progress
Politics of Piety
Weather

26

I'm not 26 yet but I thought I would revisit some of the things I had put on my list for 25 last year: