My Twenties

 ... are coming to an end, today!

It's officially the last day. I've spending a lot of time reflecting on the past decade and how my progress has aligned to my expectations. And, to my surprise - because I hadn't realised it throughout - I am really happy where I am. I have lived maybe too much in these recent years. I didn't take the trips to Australia, New Zealand, Japan that I thought I would but I did get to go to a lot of unexpected places, make friendships - and relationships - I could have never have imagined. I've read a lot, traveled a lot, worked a lot, had health scares and personal tragedy, but it could have all be a lot worse. 

Do I have any regrets? Maybe just holding on to things in my past that were not meant for me (still doing). And not enjoying my life in the moment.

It's funny because I think there's one dimension of my life I think I could be doing better in. I went to dinner at a friend's house the other day - in Ramadan. There was another one of our friends there with her 3 week old baby. Throughout the dinner, at least one of the 14+ of us there got up to watch the baby. I realised, at one point in my life, I will be so grateful for the time I have now, alone. I will look back and miss it.

I look back now at my life during the pandemic in Dallas. I was so miserable. But to me now that was very special time with my parents. I didn't realise how limited it was then.

They say you change a lot in your 30s - that you become more relaxed with life. I think what you learn in your 20s is, despite how much you might try to control of the outcome, a lot of life is out of your control. And a lot of things that happen are really unexpected. 

I never thought I would be an hour away from Paris. That I'd make Pakistani friends who are like me in London. That I'd get to work on net zero policy. That I'd go to Corsica, the South of France, Sicily... make friends in Thailand, the Philippines, Egypt, Turkey. That I'd have weddings to go to in Istanbul, Russia, Belgium...

Are all these superficial things? Maybe. But they made me really happy.

Am I different person than I was at 20? I'm honestly not too sure. I let go of something in my past. I'm less risk averse. Other than that... I don't know. Someone else could tell me. If anything, my anxiety still comes and goes.

What would I like to achieve in my 30th year? I think I'd like my life to slow down a little. I travel a lot lately and it's less enjoyable when it's so frequent. I'd like to settle in my group of friends and hobbies, and be more comfortable by myself. It will, after all, only be temporary.

But in practicality, I'd like to...

• Increase my income and savings
• Develop new friendships and relationships
• Become kinder
• Be more generous
• Be the best daughter and sister I can be
• Learn golf
• Improve my artistic portfolio (much to come on that)
• Get better at forgetting./ letting go of things not meant for me
• Be more chill overall

And, overall, I feel very lucky. I feel, at this point in my life, that I have lived a good life. How fortunate I am to be able to say that. I certainly didn't feel this way at 26. Sure, I still want many things... but I'll always want many things. And those things are not really in my control - I can only put myself in the right spot for them.

تمہاری یاد کے جب زخم بھرنے لگتے ہیں 

کسی بہانے تمہیں یاد کرنے لگتے ہیں 

حدیث یار کے عنواں نکھرنے لگتے ہیں 

تو ہر حریم میں گیسو سنورنے لگتے ہیں 

ہر اجنبی ہمیں محرم دکھائی دیتا ہے 

جو اب بھی تیری گلی سے گزرنے لگتے ہیں 

صبا سے کرتے ہیں غربت نصیب ذکر وطن 

تو چشم صبح میں آنسو ابھرنے لگتے ہیں 

وہ جب بھی کرتے ہیں اس نطق و لب کی بخیہ گری 

فضا میں اور بھی نغمے بکھرنے لگتے ہیں 

در قفس پہ اندھیرے کی مہر لگتی ہے 

تو فیضؔ دل میں ستارے اترنے لگتے ہیں 

Just when the wounds of your memory begin to heal

I find some excuse to think of you again

The titles of hadith begin to emerge

and gas starts to burn in every harem

Every stranger appears to us as a familiar one

passing through your street

Exiles speak to the wind of their lost country

and the eyes of the morning brim with tears.

Each time she stitches a voice to her lips

the air is scattered with another song.

Darkness seals the door of the prison

then the stars, Faiz, descend in the heart.

- Faiz Ahmed Faiz

My Year in France

This post is not about France, it's about my very traumatic year in France. Trauma definitely being an overstatement for my very privileged life. But maybe a more accurate title would be, "How I Learned to be my Own Person, in France" or, "How I Learned to be Alone, in France."

I learned a lot when I lived in France. I learned that if you say, bonjour, au revoir, merci when you enter, leave a store in France it makes all the difference. That the French are much more polite when you do that, and a less racist than people I grew up around in America. That most people really don't like Americans, and that conversation is totally different for Americans than it is for a European (you do not ask questions for the latter, you share anecdotes at each other). 

I learned that it is really painful being alone, that there are actual real dangers to being a woman alone, and also that I hate being alone (sorry, I don't enjoy solitude). I like going to museums, shopping, and cooking alone but in general I can't do it. 

I learned that I love cheese, that I don't enjoy patisserie as much as the glutton I thought I was, that I love Paris, love staying up late, love sunrises, sunsets, chausson aux pommes. I learned that not everyone is stable, healthy, and some people have dark ways of coping with it, and that it's important to stay away. 

But I also learned that kindness is in really unexpected places. I think of my friend who insisted once I spend two nights with her, and wouldn't let me sleep on her sofa but instead on her bed, when I didn't feel safe in my apartment. And of my landlord, who came 30 minutes early to my check-out, carried all my suitcases down the stairs for me, and even threw away my trash while I in futile insisted he not do so. And my leasing agent.

I also learned the importance of community and of having people around you. And I think if I don't build that elsewhere I wouldn't stay. And it also takes time. 

29

 This year I turned 29. It's the last year of my twenties! 

When I started this blog, I was a teenager. 

I can't say I learned very much in my twenties. You notice I didn't post at all in 2022. I learned a lot between 27-8. That, I think, was the worst period of my life. I learned way too much. You know how people say, after a difficult period, that they would rather not have had any other way. Well, I don't - I would rather not repeat that period ever again.

Most significantly, I learned that the person that I want to be is not very different from the person I was before. Or is it that people return to the habits of their past because they are familiar?

I think, however, that I am finally happy. Happy in a way that I wasn't earlier in my life because I felt held back by things in my life that I felt I couldn't control. Happy and at peace (most of the time).

I don't have many goals for this year. I'd like to do more art, travel to new places, develop and further friendships and relationships. And exercise and be generous and curious and all the other very stimulating and rewarding things. I'd like to read more philosophy. I think I fit in as a very small piece of this world and I'd like my small corner to be a good one.

I'm at a very lucky period in my life where things are going well.

Fontainebleau Day 1

 Let it not be underestimated how challenging it is to shop for groceries in a foreign language. How can I tell what the equivalent of cream is among the dairy? Moreover, why can't I find salt at Monoprix? Aren't the French known for their salt?

It's only been one day (and a half) but I have a feeling I will eat very well here. I spent >100 Euros on groceries thus far (worried about emergencies) and my favorites so far is this garlic and herb cheese, fig jam from Bonne Maman... oh I guess that's it, haha. Also some sables breton I bought from Monoprix.

There are many kinds of tomatoes here. Many kinds of cheese (expected) and lots of tea and spice options (which I was worried about). People say bon journee even into the afternoon (7pm, when sunset is 9pm) and are much politer than I expected (in grocery stores, my main domain of exploration thus far). And like the dumb American I am France is much more diverse than I expected. Fontainebleau is more diverse than Dallas--way more.

Anyway, I actually don't have that much to say except that I'm tired. Haha

On the Eve

 of an international move, nothing you anticipated to be able to do in the last five days will get done.

Preparing to Move Abroad Pt.2

 So I have another expense to add to my visa fees--apparently 50 Euros to activate your visa upon arrival in France.

-_-

Preparing to Move Abroad Pt. 1

So I didn't read much in June, other than some fiction, and learned no random, potentially useless information, partially because I need to actually be reviewing some other things in preparation for graduate school.

I did however, have a very frustrating visit to the VFS (Visa Facilitation Services) and figured I would document my experience in part to satisfy my frustration but also in case it is potentially helpful to someone down the line (who somehow comes across my blog and randomly wants to go to the same program as me).

Here is what they actually needed:

• a visa-size photograph, which is actually a different size than the passport photograph, which is annoying and not specified beforehand--so confirm sizes before you go to save $13
• VFS appointment letter + proof of payment for appointment
• scan of the first page of your passport--not of the entire thing, which is asked for in the checklist but my interviewer did not need it and it was a total waste of a printout
• for a France student visa, your email of approval from Campus France (not specified anywhere, and $1/page for print outs)
• French visa application form
• residence in France, or lease agreement that includes a contact phone number (my interviewer took the lease agreement and letter, but her only focus was on the letter)
• proof of financial collateral (mine was bank statements)
• program acceptance letter--not specified anywhere to bring, one would assume Campus France approval was inclusive of this
• they only accept UPS pre-paid envelopes to ship your passport back to you, otherwise you pay for them to pay for FedEx Overnight service, which is extremely extra. They provide very conflicting information on this--online UPS is not specified specially, and when I entered the person at the front desk told me no pre-paid envelopes were acceptable (I had brought a FedEx one, because I had used it for Turkey back in the bad times when Turkey-US visas were suspended)

Here is what they did not need:

• for a France student visa, the student visa checklist that you are told to bring--my interviewer just printed it out herself in front of me
• the lengthy lease agreement, or landlord ID (which is specified on the above checklist but honestly extra)
• a pre-paid return envelope for any service other than UPS.

Overall, you have to pay for:

• Campus France, which is like $240+
• VFS Appointment, $40+
• Consulate of France visa processing fee, $60+

... and I ended up also paying for:

• a couple of printouts for things that were not even specified to bring before hand, $3+
• visa photos, $13+
• shipping service for passport return, $38+... ridiculous

Hope this saves a life, or at least $50 for someone.